Christmas so far
When people ask how my Christmas was, I will simply reply, “It was good.” I love hanging out with my family and consider myself blessed to know that we are tight and I can trust them with anything. I know that they are always there for me, and always will. I also realize that unfortunately not everyone shares this experience, but in reality this was the hardest Christmas that I have ever had to endure. Part of me died again over the break.
I didn’t blog much over the summer, I was writing a lot in my own journal, but none was fit for public consumption. Personally I knew that I had reached rock-bottom. I felt abandoned by the person that I loved, was in love with, and to an extent still am. Personally she was not in a space to be in a relationship, as hard as it was, I had to respect that and permit her to do what she needed to do. This killed me I couldn’t tell anyone, let alone the person that I needed to hear me out. I was never good at being able to tell her when I was upset even when we were in relationship, this was completely impossible when I didn’t know when I was going to be lucky enough to talk to her again.
In order for me to physically and spiritually survive I had to get over her. It wasn’t that I had to stop loving her, but I couldn’t be in love with her, I couldn’t rely on her to be the person that makes me feel like the person that I want to be. I had to learn to be that person for myself.
By thanksgiving I had thought that I had gained independence from the idea that I was going to be able to be with her. I thought that I had gotten over her. The first time that I saw her again, that little flame that still flickered for her puttered back to a fraction as to where it was, I began to harbor a small hope, that at least we would be able to be friends at some point. That we had gotten over the pain of being apart that it would be possible again for us to know the other person.
What I refused to recognize/was in denial about was the amount of anger and pain that I still harbored from the summer, I could tell myself that it was ok for her to act and take care of herself. But I don’t think I was. I wasn’t at a point where I could tell her about how that had made me feel. Likewise I didn’t understand that pain that she had gone into and was poor at hearing about her experience.
I was still going on dates and seeing new people during this period, it was important for me and my emotional well being that I be around people I knew cared about me and didn’t make me feel like I hadn’t mattered for 3 months.
I was torn between the person that cared about me more than anyone ever has, but with that the baggage of the person that had made me feel worse than I thought possible, would it be possible for me to get over the pain and for me to allow her to love me again.
The week before Christmas she came to visit me in the city. It was initially an awkward moment. But eventually we were able to simply hang out, be with each other, we went out to dinner, saw a couple of really good movies. During this time as well I was not completely honest with her about one of the girls that I had gone on a couple of dates. I did not tell the truth about the extent of our relationship. I was afraid of her reaction, what it would mean, would it screw up my chances of having a relationship with her again. All of these things in my mind justified not telling her the extent of that relationship. I was still not sure if it would possible for me to allow her to love me again, if I would be able to get over the pain.
When I came home to see my family for Christmas we continued to hang out, we would go through rough conversations where neither of us were sure if we could start anything again. I had made it clear that I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that I needed time to figure it out, to figure my own things out. It scared me that she was more ready to start something than I was, I did feel some pressure from her to make a decision that she wasn’t going to give me time to figure things out. I knew that she was afraid that I would fall for this other girl and that I would cease to want to be with her. I did realize that these were all viable fears on her part, that this is something that could happen.
To conclude the saga on the 23rd we got into a huge fight. Over a multitude of reasons, we concluded knowing that we were probably not going to see or talk to eachother again. I can say that it was me that fucked up on this one I screwed my, my inability to be transparent, to allow her in, to do all of those things that I needed to do made me someone that she couldn’t be in relationship in.
I can say that it is over, there is no relief, only a gaping whole where she used to be in my life. This is the first time that I have ceased to be with my first love. I have to get over it all again, I don’t want to be damaged goods and I know that my friends and the people that love me wouldn’t let that happen.
I don’t know why I can post this, or why I should, all I need to say and have to say is that she is a wonderful person, and I wish her the best, she is going to be incredibly successful and will be an incredible doctor, whomever she ends up with will be lucky.
I didn’t blog much over the summer, I was writing a lot in my own journal, but none was fit for public consumption. Personally I knew that I had reached rock-bottom. I felt abandoned by the person that I loved, was in love with, and to an extent still am. Personally she was not in a space to be in a relationship, as hard as it was, I had to respect that and permit her to do what she needed to do. This killed me I couldn’t tell anyone, let alone the person that I needed to hear me out. I was never good at being able to tell her when I was upset even when we were in relationship, this was completely impossible when I didn’t know when I was going to be lucky enough to talk to her again.
In order for me to physically and spiritually survive I had to get over her. It wasn’t that I had to stop loving her, but I couldn’t be in love with her, I couldn’t rely on her to be the person that makes me feel like the person that I want to be. I had to learn to be that person for myself.
By thanksgiving I had thought that I had gained independence from the idea that I was going to be able to be with her. I thought that I had gotten over her. The first time that I saw her again, that little flame that still flickered for her puttered back to a fraction as to where it was, I began to harbor a small hope, that at least we would be able to be friends at some point. That we had gotten over the pain of being apart that it would be possible again for us to know the other person.
What I refused to recognize/was in denial about was the amount of anger and pain that I still harbored from the summer, I could tell myself that it was ok for her to act and take care of herself. But I don’t think I was. I wasn’t at a point where I could tell her about how that had made me feel. Likewise I didn’t understand that pain that she had gone into and was poor at hearing about her experience.
I was still going on dates and seeing new people during this period, it was important for me and my emotional well being that I be around people I knew cared about me and didn’t make me feel like I hadn’t mattered for 3 months.
I was torn between the person that cared about me more than anyone ever has, but with that the baggage of the person that had made me feel worse than I thought possible, would it be possible for me to get over the pain and for me to allow her to love me again.
The week before Christmas she came to visit me in the city. It was initially an awkward moment. But eventually we were able to simply hang out, be with each other, we went out to dinner, saw a couple of really good movies. During this time as well I was not completely honest with her about one of the girls that I had gone on a couple of dates. I did not tell the truth about the extent of our relationship. I was afraid of her reaction, what it would mean, would it screw up my chances of having a relationship with her again. All of these things in my mind justified not telling her the extent of that relationship. I was still not sure if it would possible for me to allow her to love me again, if I would be able to get over the pain.
When I came home to see my family for Christmas we continued to hang out, we would go through rough conversations where neither of us were sure if we could start anything again. I had made it clear that I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that I needed time to figure it out, to figure my own things out. It scared me that she was more ready to start something than I was, I did feel some pressure from her to make a decision that she wasn’t going to give me time to figure things out. I knew that she was afraid that I would fall for this other girl and that I would cease to want to be with her. I did realize that these were all viable fears on her part, that this is something that could happen.
To conclude the saga on the 23rd we got into a huge fight. Over a multitude of reasons, we concluded knowing that we were probably not going to see or talk to eachother again. I can say that it was me that fucked up on this one I screwed my, my inability to be transparent, to allow her in, to do all of those things that I needed to do made me someone that she couldn’t be in relationship in.
I can say that it is over, there is no relief, only a gaping whole where she used to be in my life. This is the first time that I have ceased to be with my first love. I have to get over it all again, I don’t want to be damaged goods and I know that my friends and the people that love me wouldn’t let that happen.
I don’t know why I can post this, or why I should, all I need to say and have to say is that she is a wonderful person, and I wish her the best, she is going to be incredibly successful and will be an incredible doctor, whomever she ends up with will be lucky.
posted by Godot at 5:58 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home