Vulnerability

A guy is vulnerable in such a way only a few times in his life. There are three little words that a man says for the first time to someone else. “I love you.” I have said that to two people and meant it in the way of “I would take a bullet for you / I would leave my life to make you happy / I would leave your life to make you happy / I would do anything for you type way.”

My first love was Andy, it was as some would say puppy love, we were both in middle school. It was that awkward time when boys are first supposed to like girls in that way. Our relationship lasted in total about 9 months. It took me a long time to work up to say it to her. Most unfortunately I waited until I felt the relationship was waning, I sensed that it was close to the end, I was scared that I was “losing her” that we were no longer going to be “a couple.” I did what any teenager would do in that similar situation. I put on my leather jacket, put my boombox over my shoulder, and played Sting in front of her window in the rain. Figuratively of course. In reality, I just busted out the “I love you” line, I meant it, I did love her, and still do (not the same way…), but the point is this. That at the time I thought that the only thing I could do was to tell her how I really felt about our relationship. I think it may have bought me a month, but we were too young, too retarded. Honestly I would kind of feel weird if I was still going to be dating my 8th grade girlfriend now. That would just be weird. But at the time it seemed so terminal, like it was the end of it, forever. And it seemed like such a big deal, I didn’t know if I could go on. Funny how we lose perspective.

The second time that I said it to someone and meant it and still mean it when it is said is for CK. I don’t like dragging my personal stuff out here. But I think this story is ok. I couldn’t start with “I love you” I was such a pansy that I went with what I thought was the more innocuous, “je t’aime” thinking that she wouldn’t figure out what it meant cause it was in French…. Well she asked some of her friends and was quickly informed about the nuances of je t’aime. I was pretty sure that she knew, and that she knew that I knew, but I still went around using the French, cause like I said I am a pansy… Well eventually I got around to giving her the English I love you, once I was sure that I would get the “I love you too” in response. Cause I am pretty sure that there would be nothing more awkward than telling someone “I love you” and getting a stare in response, well maybe it would be more awkward if she coughed, or puked. Yeh, puking would be more awkward.

But Ck didn’t cough or puke, she said and meant “I love you too.” Actually it was kind of cute, we were underneath my bed in the basement of my parents’ house. See I have these massive bunkbeds that are made with these gargantuan 8-inch diameter logs that my brother, my dad, and I built. They are pretty awesome. But underneath one of them we put a bean bag and it would by my spot. And see CK and I were sharing my spot and she was getting ready to leave to go off to her first year of college and I was worried (again with the worry….) that we were going to have that “Well I don’t want you to be tied up… it will be the best for both of us…. type conversations.” So I thought that I should hit her with it right there. I told her “I love you” and got “I love you too” right there. It was pretty sweet. There is something really intimate about sharing that with someone and having the feeling be reciprocated. Granted I had led up to this point with the softball pitch of “je t’aime” for quite some time so I was pretty sure I was safe. But you still never know.

Well our relationship has since changed. Every day though I wake up and relieved that I still know she loves me and cares about my wellbeing. I honestly don’t know what I would do if that wasn’t the case. I think I attribute that to making yourself that vulnerable in front of someone. Once you do that you are bonded, and there is something there that you are going to carry on for the rest of your life. That bond fits into your DNA and becomes a part of you. I guess what the whole point of this is I just need to say that I am glad that there have been those people, specifically one, that I have changed myself in front of and have changed for me, and that I get to take that through my entire life cause it is something that is worth it. I love you.