Two postings in a day…. I feel so unproductive. I am in the middle of trying to write my observation paper for Art & Ethics. The reserve section of the library’s website is down, so I was forced to googling the articles, findings bits here and there. It can be so incredibly frustrating, I find that the technological component of FU is so incredibly mismanaged. It really can’t be that hard to get things right can it?
There is something about my previous post that isn’t sitting with me too well though. I am at odds with myself. I would take it down, but that would somewhat defeat the purpose of having an online journal that catches my stream of consciousness. I don’t think that it is OK to use people, or that it is ok to drift in and out of dysfunctional relationships simply because they are easier. One of my incredibly good friends here is in a functional, normal relationship in what she admits for the first time ever. I am so proud of her, especially when I compare it to so many of my other friends that have dysfunctional ones. A certain asshole and his pathetically small penis and minuteman tendencies come to mind. Quite frankly I think life is a little too short and I am too young to invest in a dysfunctional relationship.
But I can’t put myself on a soapbox as well. You want to hear about my dysfunctions. OK
1. I really am afraid of commitment. Most of my relationships have been on the long side, my shortest ever was 6 months. But it freaked me the fuck out when I thought I was in a relationship that could have ended in the “m-word.”
2. I hate taking risks, especially in a relationship. I never “go for it” not without permission, not without knowing that I am going to be granted ok. Not without knowing that I am going to get the Heisman. I am that guy, I am a wuss.
3. I have a bitter sense of humor, and I admit that I can take it too far. I am one of the few people that I have known to offend my mother with a remark or a joke.
4. I really don’t trust people. I am deeply introverted and really do believe that the person that is going to take care of my problems is myself and no one else. This has caused people to accuse me rightly of detachment from them, of ‘being in my own world’ and not trusting them.
5. I am a fisher of compliments when it comes to my looks, my talent, my whatever. I have never been comfortable being complimented on either of these things. This feeling of being uncomfortable is often manifest in overt humility which is sometimes, but not always genuine.
7. I think the desire to be liked carries over into my relationship life as well. It prevents me from telling them that I am upset with them or that they have hurt my feelings. This creates tense moments when I tell them after the fact that they hurt my feelings 2 weeks ago, and I didn’t give them a chance then to correct it or apologize.
8. Finally I have no qualms about wearing mismatched socks. This one speaks for itself.
It feels so good to get that off my chest. I have been so manic of late, I just fucking yo-yo from being in a good mood to being in a bloody poor one. I feel like I have been an ass to my friends and colleagues in the ways that I have treated them. I can honestly say that now my present mood is crappy, I leave to go home for thanksgiving on Wednesday and I hate the fucking city for the two days before I leave. We haven’t seen a stitch of snow yet this winter, it is raining outside now, I am just in my shirtsleeves, and am probably going to freeze my ass off. I am apprehensive about seeing Ck when I go home, I really don’t know how I am going to deal with that, I know I should just be myself, but what if myself isn’t good enough for her. I feel like the absence of her in my life is going to create a gap between us that can only be filled with banal small talk. What if she is better off than I am?
On a doubly sad note, my sister’s cat was run over Saturday and Jerimiah is no more. The fuckwit that ran him over didn’t even bother to check for tags to alert us that he had been hit, he just left him in the grass where my dad found him frozen the next day. God it is such a cruel world.
There is something about my previous post that isn’t sitting with me too well though. I am at odds with myself. I would take it down, but that would somewhat defeat the purpose of having an online journal that catches my stream of consciousness. I don’t think that it is OK to use people, or that it is ok to drift in and out of dysfunctional relationships simply because they are easier. One of my incredibly good friends here is in a functional, normal relationship in what she admits for the first time ever. I am so proud of her, especially when I compare it to so many of my other friends that have dysfunctional ones. A certain asshole and his pathetically small penis and minuteman tendencies come to mind. Quite frankly I think life is a little too short and I am too young to invest in a dysfunctional relationship.
But I can’t put myself on a soapbox as well. You want to hear about my dysfunctions. OK
1. I really am afraid of commitment. Most of my relationships have been on the long side, my shortest ever was 6 months. But it freaked me the fuck out when I thought I was in a relationship that could have ended in the “m-word.”
2. I hate taking risks, especially in a relationship. I never “go for it” not without permission, not without knowing that I am going to be granted ok. Not without knowing that I am going to get the Heisman. I am that guy, I am a wuss.
3. I have a bitter sense of humor, and I admit that I can take it too far. I am one of the few people that I have known to offend my mother with a remark or a joke.
4. I really don’t trust people. I am deeply introverted and really do believe that the person that is going to take care of my problems is myself and no one else. This has caused people to accuse me rightly of detachment from them, of ‘being in my own world’ and not trusting them.
5. I am a fisher of compliments when it comes to my looks, my talent, my whatever. I have never been comfortable being complimented on either of these things. This feeling of being uncomfortable is often manifest in overt humility which is sometimes, but not always genuine.
7. I think the desire to be liked carries over into my relationship life as well. It prevents me from telling them that I am upset with them or that they have hurt my feelings. This creates tense moments when I tell them after the fact that they hurt my feelings 2 weeks ago, and I didn’t give them a chance then to correct it or apologize.
8. Finally I have no qualms about wearing mismatched socks. This one speaks for itself.
It feels so good to get that off my chest. I have been so manic of late, I just fucking yo-yo from being in a good mood to being in a bloody poor one. I feel like I have been an ass to my friends and colleagues in the ways that I have treated them. I can honestly say that now my present mood is crappy, I leave to go home for thanksgiving on Wednesday and I hate the fucking city for the two days before I leave. We haven’t seen a stitch of snow yet this winter, it is raining outside now, I am just in my shirtsleeves, and am probably going to freeze my ass off. I am apprehensive about seeing Ck when I go home, I really don’t know how I am going to deal with that, I know I should just be myself, but what if myself isn’t good enough for her. I feel like the absence of her in my life is going to create a gap between us that can only be filled with banal small talk. What if she is better off than I am?
On a doubly sad note, my sister’s cat was run over Saturday and Jerimiah is no more. The fuckwit that ran him over didn’t even bother to check for tags to alert us that he had been hit, he just left him in the grass where my dad found him frozen the next day. God it is such a cruel world.
posted by Godot at 5:14 PM
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