Poskets in the Carrito

So, I have an uncle (don’t we all?) that is married to my Aunt (shit … we all know where this is going). They have a house, and a couple of dogs, no kids, she’s a woman, he’s a man… ok, enough with the obvious things.

A couple of summers ago my younger brother and I embarked on a multi-generational road trip to assist in their move from Boston to Omaha where she landed a job as a professor in theology at Creighton. Subsequently, he is a teacher now at a private school in Iowa a couple of miles away. All asides aside, there was a multigenerational road trip that was done right. We would drive about 4 hours a day, then fuck around. We saw the Rock and Roll hall of fame, Gettysburg, largest ball of twine in the world, it was good times, and through this whole time I gained an education in British 80’s pop invasion. To say the least, it was a life changing experience.

So the uncle calls me on Christmas day, and asks to speak to my sister who goes to school in Omaha, requisite shit is handed out for ditching me, and I get the phone back. He asks how Christmas was, we make small talk, then he turns into the uncle that I expect him to be.

He asks if I know of this thing called “facebook” reluctantly, I admit that yes, I am a member, and yes I waste wholly too much time stalking people on it. Well, he goes on saying how it is great that all of these college kids seem to have a contest as to who can get drunker and do something stupider, then take a picture of themselves to show it off to the world. Seems to me like he was all to familiar as to how this racket works out… he goes on to pontificate how it’s great how college kids think it is so great to have such a flagrant external personality, but you don’t get an idea about who they are on the inside (perhaps he should check out MySpace … I mean, Rupert Murdoch’s all about buying companies that allow personal, intimate, thoughts to be expressed through a pervasive electronic medium without any corporate influence…)

He is going to start a facebook account, using my aunt’s email of course, with her permission, I doubt. But his goal is to create a facebook profile in which allows people to get to know my uncle on the inside. And pray, how is he going to accomplish this? Why by posting pictures of his most recent colonoscopy, a squeaky-clean look at the real inside of the Uncle M_____ what more expresses the truth of a man than a clean chute?

So my friends, once again, you gain some insight into the weird and delusional family of this wandering student.

Good Bye My Lover

I listen to James Blunt a serious amount. He is one of the greatest singer-songwriters of the day and could easily earn the fame of a talented John Mayer or Elton John. For the last week this has been the song that has been on repeat, on my iPod, my stereo, and in my head.

Goodbye my Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Christmas so far

When people ask how my Christmas was, I will simply reply, “It was good.” I love hanging out with my family and consider myself blessed to know that we are tight and I can trust them with anything. I know that they are always there for me, and always will. I also realize that unfortunately not everyone shares this experience, but in reality this was the hardest Christmas that I have ever had to endure. Part of me died again over the break.

I didn’t blog much over the summer, I was writing a lot in my own journal, but none was fit for public consumption. Personally I knew that I had reached rock-bottom. I felt abandoned by the person that I loved, was in love with, and to an extent still am. Personally she was not in a space to be in a relationship, as hard as it was, I had to respect that and permit her to do what she needed to do. This killed me I couldn’t tell anyone, let alone the person that I needed to hear me out. I was never good at being able to tell her when I was upset even when we were in relationship, this was completely impossible when I didn’t know when I was going to be lucky enough to talk to her again.
In order for me to physically and spiritually survive I had to get over her. It wasn’t that I had to stop loving her, but I couldn’t be in love with her, I couldn’t rely on her to be the person that makes me feel like the person that I want to be. I had to learn to be that person for myself.

By thanksgiving I had thought that I had gained independence from the idea that I was going to be able to be with her. I thought that I had gotten over her. The first time that I saw her again, that little flame that still flickered for her puttered back to a fraction as to where it was, I began to harbor a small hope, that at least we would be able to be friends at some point. That we had gotten over the pain of being apart that it would be possible again for us to know the other person.

What I refused to recognize/was in denial about was the amount of anger and pain that I still harbored from the summer, I could tell myself that it was ok for her to act and take care of herself. But I don’t think I was. I wasn’t at a point where I could tell her about how that had made me feel. Likewise I didn’t understand that pain that she had gone into and was poor at hearing about her experience.

I was still going on dates and seeing new people during this period, it was important for me and my emotional well being that I be around people I knew cared about me and didn’t make me feel like I hadn’t mattered for 3 months.

I was torn between the person that cared about me more than anyone ever has, but with that the baggage of the person that had made me feel worse than I thought possible, would it be possible for me to get over the pain and for me to allow her to love me again.

The week before Christmas she came to visit me in the city. It was initially an awkward moment. But eventually we were able to simply hang out, be with each other, we went out to dinner, saw a couple of really good movies. During this time as well I was not completely honest with her about one of the girls that I had gone on a couple of dates. I did not tell the truth about the extent of our relationship. I was afraid of her reaction, what it would mean, would it screw up my chances of having a relationship with her again. All of these things in my mind justified not telling her the extent of that relationship. I was still not sure if it would possible for me to allow her to love me again, if I would be able to get over the pain.

When I came home to see my family for Christmas we continued to hang out, we would go through rough conversations where neither of us were sure if we could start anything again. I had made it clear that I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that I needed time to figure it out, to figure my own things out. It scared me that she was more ready to start something than I was, I did feel some pressure from her to make a decision that she wasn’t going to give me time to figure things out. I knew that she was afraid that I would fall for this other girl and that I would cease to want to be with her. I did realize that these were all viable fears on her part, that this is something that could happen.

To conclude the saga on the 23rd we got into a huge fight. Over a multitude of reasons, we concluded knowing that we were probably not going to see or talk to eachother again. I can say that it was me that fucked up on this one I screwed my, my inability to be transparent, to allow her in, to do all of those things that I needed to do made me someone that she couldn’t be in relationship in.

I can say that it is over, there is no relief, only a gaping whole where she used to be in my life. This is the first time that I have ceased to be with my first love. I have to get over it all again, I don’t want to be damaged goods and I know that my friends and the people that love me wouldn’t let that happen.

I don’t know why I can post this, or why I should, all I need to say and have to say is that she is a wonderful person, and I wish her the best, she is going to be incredibly successful and will be an incredible doctor, whomever she ends up with will be lucky.

Artistic Musings

The Harvey Edwards print is fantastic, it really does epitomize how we as dancers treat ourselves as art. I just finished a reflection for a class, and I really thought that it would be best shared here. It may lead some insight as to why I have been an asshole to some, cranky to others, or flat out unavailable to many as of late. I am strung thin, I don't know what to say, but I think these words speak it best. My biggest fear is that I won't live up to these goals.

Artists are going to be tempted to take the easy way out, or to take the path more traveled in the creation of their work. Twyla Tharp reminds the dancer that the process is important, and that learning through failure is a critical step in the juncture of art creation (An ‘A’ in Failure). The growth that we must extrude from this process will lead us to a formation of truth. The Theologian McCormick states, “the second fact of our human condition is accurately described as a lack of truth,” (4) so it would be understood that as humans we are ignorant of real Truth. As an artist I must strive to distill a moment of honest truth in our work. It is through action that the artist can come to this moment, through acts of freedom we develop a well-formed conscience (McCormick, 7) as well, we are reminded that a well-formed mind will produce well-formed art. Through meditation, prayer, community, and self circumspection I can come to further knowing myself and the art that I will produce in my lifetime, it seems hardly fair that I make work when I am so confused and so ignorant of the ways in which my own mind and processes work. I have to trust that what I do, I do while maintaining my artistic corps. Because “what we do well affects us: if it is done well it betters us, if done poorly it worsens us” (Keenan, 12). The danger is present that I may harm myself in a reckless act of artistic abandon critically jeopardizing my artistic integrity. Ultimately an artist should strive to “produce work that expresses themselves to a point where their work becomes a unique disclosure of their own being, of what they are and how they are what they are” (Wojtyla, 2). In reaching this moment the artist has come into fruition and they have arrived at Truth.