CNTD

My previous post “je suis en peine” is simply “I am in pain” in French. I feel I must elaborate. I also know that I have neglected to write here often. For that I am sorry, I have been elusive, or evasive, or simply off the grid.

I have been experiencing existential pain. I have graduated from college, and then from there I do not know where to go existentially. At my parent’s I feel that I am “at my parent’s” not “home.” I am a man without a home, living off of his fat from hibernation. Almost as if I am backpacking through Europe, without hostels, great table wine, simple food, and the joys of foreign beer and currency.

I am stuck with trying to marry the life with what I have, and what I want to have. I am lost with the feeling with that which I want, does not requite. I am existentially lonely at the moment, my close friends that entertained my spirit, and nourished my soul have stayed, and I have ventured from the sun. I fear that like Pluto, I risk becoming a frozen orb with a sun so far away that I never thaw.

I am faced with two options (my 4th glass of wine is telling me that there are more, but for now there are simply two). Find a new sun, but I hate the idea of me being co-dependent. Or be my own sun, fucking easier said than done. As you can see I have isolated the root of my problem, the difficulty is I am in a hole, and the top-light is yet so far away.

SO I guess there is a new set of choices, do I dig away from the light, and head towards China, or do I start digging up.

All my life I have dug towards China, I think it’s time to start digging up.