Aw
I promised it would be recounted in full. So here it is, the absolutely most awesomely bossanova awkward moment of my 21 year old life. In a few words, it fucking sucked.
It started a week before Friday. I had 4 people ask when my birthday was, the simple reply, “December, why?” “Oh just wondering.” Weird, people generally don’t wonder when my birthday is, besides for the time waster FaceBook is, the only thing that it is genuinely useful for is reminding me when my 355060 “friends” birthdays are, if only it could do anniversaries… So that should have been the tip-off, people don’t ask about your birthday anymore, they use FaceBook.
Then Friday came around, I didn’t really want to go out, I had a bit of a stomach monster all week, I was sore, class was rough, I would have died and gone to heaven to share a bottle of wine and play dirty word scrabble with a few friends. Then again the random questions, propped up, I talked to Skyih in the theatre box-office, he asked what my plans were that evening, I said I was planning on staying in, there was an awkward pause, there are never awkward pauses with Skyih, then Maggie and Dave walked by, It was Dave’s birthday, the evening before he sent a 12:30AM email inviting me to his birthday party in the West Village and about a spec commercial that my room mate is shooting. I replied, thanking him for being able to do the commercial, and re-replied reminding me about his birthday. Daft me, I still couldn’t get the hint. Anyways, Maggie and Dave were off to go start the evening’s festivities; they reminded me again about their birthday celebration that night.
I called Danny and Mike to see if they were up to head out for a beer that evening, or picking up a sixer of 1664 and watching Kill Bill or something of the same caliber of violence and manliness to go with a quaint French Beer. Neither answered their phones. I walk by the duty office, both are there, I ask what’s up, they say that they are going to Dave’s party, I tell them to give me a call when they are thinking of going cause I might be up for that.
Up to my room, Jeremy, Josh, and Danielle were here. We shoot the breeze; everyone asks how my day was. There are good-natured jibes about the new blog that we started. Danielle is reading the introductory post and laughs are had. People were in a good mood. Jeremy asks what I am going tonight, perplexed the standard reply comes out, staying in, might pop in a movie (sorry Jeremy … you really aren’t the right … candidate … for dirty word scrabble, just strip-scatergories). Josh and Danielle ask what I am up to, they say that they might head out for a one-and-done drink, Stone Rose, Mandarin Oriental bar, something fancy just to have a drink. They leave around 10:00 looking sharp as they always do. Jeremy says that he is going to hang out with Nell, and Nell and I are still talking online at this point. Nell simply types BRB and leaves. At that point as well, Alyssa, Courtney, Battags, Tara, and Gen all put up away messages within 30 seconds of each other. Actual thought-process … dammit no one to play dirty word scrabble. What it should have been: weird everyone left within 2 minutes of each other.
The one person that I haven’t heard from in awhile (read: 2 or 3 minutes) checks in, he calls me and asks what I am up to tonight. The real dilemma is now upon me: do I feign plans? Do I tell him that I am going to Dave’s party in the village? Do I not answer the phone? Fuck, I answered. Conversation as follows:
“K.Dog (not really, if he called me that I would shit on his pillow) what are you up to tonight?”
“Nothing much, might head down to the village later for Dave Graver’s birthday.”
“You doing anything right now?”
“Nope. Just decompressing from the week.”
“You want to run out and grab a beer?” … Weird, Evan doesn’t drink beer….
“Perhaps, where were you thinking of going?”
“New bar around 50th street, I found it online/”
“Hmm, I dunno man, I had a rough week, I was thinking about going to Dave’s party and then making it an early night.” Two truths, I did have a rough week, and was thinking about Dave’s party.
“Well let’s go grab a drink before you head down to the village, you can catch the C at 50th street, first round is on me.”
“Alright, let me get some clothes on” I wasn’t really naked, I was wearing sweatpants though, and knowing Evan he does not go into bars where sweatpants are permitted attire.
“Ok, I will start walking down now be there in 15.”
I get dressed he calls in 15. Goddammit he is wearing his boat-captain's outfit. I mean seriously who gets to wear jeans, boat shoes, a pink lacoste polo over a white longsleeved shirt, and then on top of that you have a blue blazer with gold buttons, what the fuck kind of bar is this and what did I get roped into. My sister calls and I am on the phone we are talking about her first professional dance concert that she got to do with Omaha Modern Dance Company, I am so proud of her. She has to run grab some dinner with her roommate, so I let her go.
Evan and I make small talk on the way down to the bar; it was an interesting day at the UN. The Zimbabwe people are pissed about the 60 minutes piece and are making crazy demands. I half=heartedly laugh, “crazy Zimbabwe ambassadors and their crazy ideas….”
We get to 50th street and there is the bar, excuse me, lounge. There are ridiculous candles on the little tables. Fuck, I can’t believe I got roped into a romantic man-date.
And the awkwardness begins. Alyssa, Battags, Courtney, Gen, Danielle, Josh, and Jeremy at the bar. Doing a shot. What are they doing here? Why are they doing a shot? And why didn’t they tell me they were going out. Jeremy, “surprise dude!” me, “umm, what the fuck is going on.” Josh, the good boy, takes me aside, “Dude I am so sorry. Evan thought it would be cool to throw you a surprise party, to cheer you up. Personally I think it is a pretty douchebaggy thing to do, I wanted to tell you, there was no way that I was going to get you out of the place.” (Actually he said somethign that was much funnier, I just can't remember for the life of me.) Me, “umm, what the fuck?” Why did I need a surprise party, and why were the people that I hang out with all the time that can stand Evan there, where is everyone else? Jeremy, “there were like 140 people on the evite list” 140 and 9 show up, Jesus Christ! It takes about a 5-minute awkward pause for it to settle in, fuck, well, as long as I am here might as well have a drink. Jameson on the rocks, Josh orders a martini, we go sit in a booth in the back. Yes I had to buy my own fucking drink, Evan lied to get me to come out, and at least it wasn’t pancakes…
We are sitting in a booth in the back of the bar, people are not sure what to do, about half the people order a drink, the other half kind of stare at the first half that ordered. Courtney looks uncomfortable for whatever reason. Josh tries to console more; Danielle looks utterly complexed at what is going on. Tara sits down and the worst music of all time comes on. It is like they realized that there is a black person in the bar, and black music collection number 9 comes on in a tinny speaker above the booth. At least the Jameson tastes good. 2 of Evan’s friends come, a girl and her fiancé. Again, kind of weird, I am still perplexed at how I ended up in this position, I am never letting my guard down again.
Tara is not drinking because she is going to go see Sean tonight, we start into a light hearted conversation about that, Danielle regales us with the story of how Josh almost screwed up their relationship on their first date. I am laughing now. Izzie and Matt show up, thinking that it was my birthday. I explain no, her jaw drops and she asks, “Why would someone do that?” I have no reply. She explains that last year she tried to throw a birthday party, and no one came, it was going to be at Korova Milk bar, a sweet place in the East village that is Clockwork Orange décor. Good portions of the invitees are under 21 so we couldn’t get in, plus people can be pussies when a party requires that they get on the subway. I reassured her that I would throw her a real party this year and that it would be awesome. I promised that it would be in a dive bar, that wouldn’t card so the babies could come hang out, it is about the people not the place. After all tonight I was schooled in how to not throw a party I have learned what I need to know I guess… But I digress.
I have to buy Tara a drink, she doesn’t know what to do, I decide to see how good the bar tender is so I ask for a whiskey sour, but if it was possible to not use sour mix. He looks confused. I say fill a glass with whiskey, squeeze half a lemon, one packet of sugar, soda on top, and a cherry. He knew what I was talking about, it was bar-code, and you only make a real drink if you know that the person drinking it would appreciate it. I tasted it, it was a pretty fucking good whiskey sour, I went back and retipped him giving him an extra two bucks on top of the two I had already given. She thanks me for the drink, and asks “how the fuck are we going to get out of here?” I check my phone. 11:10, 7 missed calls, 5 from Danny, and 2 from Mike, 4 voicemails. Jesus, they knew, I check the voicemails. “Kevin, it’s Danny, call me.” “Kevin, it’s Danny we are about to leave in 10 minutes, call me.” “Kevin, Maggie just called they are about 30 minutes away from the bar, still at the concert, Mike and I are going to head call me.” “Kevin, I am so sorry, I knew, and I couldn’t tell you.” Fuckin A man, Fuckin a….
Well the general sentiment at this point is that people are ready to head down for Dave’s party. Josh and Danielle were going to head back to the apartment, everyone else but Evan was going to head to the W. Village. Walking along 50th street, Courtney has a hunger for McD’s I want pizza, we should be able to find both when we get down there. We do, we decide on Wendy’s and my passion for square jr. bacon cheeseburgers is rekindled. Dave’s party was great, Danny and Mike were there, I have to recount, and at this point I realize that I have experienced the most awkward moment in my life. I tell the story again, people apologize, letting me know that they tried to warn Evan off, that I would not like it. They were right, it wasn’t that it was a surprise party, I like surprise parties, but I like them for there being a reason. Surprise parties for their own sake are fucking stupid. Maggie also knew, she said that anyone who loved and really cared for you was here and tried to talk Evan out of it. I knew she was right; I almost started crying there.
It is also at this point where I realize just what had happened. Evan is always asking me to introduce me to my friends, especially those of the fairer sex. It creeps me out, to tell you the truth, to those friends that I have I am most sincerely sorry, believe me, if you never reply to an evite I have heard that they will stop coming eventually. I am so sorry. He used my email list and my friends on FaceBook to throw a party for me, but it was really all about getting people for him. And that’s fucked up. That is not normal behavior, which is not a healthy friendship. People describe his feelings as a “man-crush” I don’t think there could be a better word. Not that I am super hot shit, but I do have a pretty sweet life, people like and respect me, I worry that Evan is going to take me into a dark alley, club me, and then assume my identity. If you ever see me and shout, “What’s up Special K?” and all I give you is a quizzical response in return, call the police, have them search the alleys.
The awkwardness continues; people have been asking me about my birthday party, how it was. There is the occasional, “I thought your birthday was in December.” Yes it is, and when there is a real party thrown consider yourself forewarned. Evan will not be organizing; he will be lucky if he is invited. It will be awesome, and you all had better show up because good times will be had. I can’t even tell the story anymore, it is too much, too surreal. I have my friends tell it because it is funnier. I usually chime in with, “He didn’t even buy me a drink.” That is my one line, because it is true, and it pretty much sums up the kind of guy that he is. Promises a drink doesn’t deliver, promises pancakes, you get dim candles and one on one truth or dare. It’s a bait and switch, I was duped, I fucked up, and at least Danielle was there to tell me that Josh bit her lip the first time that they kissed. He will never live that down.
It started a week before Friday. I had 4 people ask when my birthday was, the simple reply, “December, why?” “Oh just wondering.” Weird, people generally don’t wonder when my birthday is, besides for the time waster FaceBook is, the only thing that it is genuinely useful for is reminding me when my 355060 “friends” birthdays are, if only it could do anniversaries… So that should have been the tip-off, people don’t ask about your birthday anymore, they use FaceBook.
Then Friday came around, I didn’t really want to go out, I had a bit of a stomach monster all week, I was sore, class was rough, I would have died and gone to heaven to share a bottle of wine and play dirty word scrabble with a few friends. Then again the random questions, propped up, I talked to Skyih in the theatre box-office, he asked what my plans were that evening, I said I was planning on staying in, there was an awkward pause, there are never awkward pauses with Skyih, then Maggie and Dave walked by, It was Dave’s birthday, the evening before he sent a 12:30AM email inviting me to his birthday party in the West Village and about a spec commercial that my room mate is shooting. I replied, thanking him for being able to do the commercial, and re-replied reminding me about his birthday. Daft me, I still couldn’t get the hint. Anyways, Maggie and Dave were off to go start the evening’s festivities; they reminded me again about their birthday celebration that night.
I called Danny and Mike to see if they were up to head out for a beer that evening, or picking up a sixer of 1664 and watching Kill Bill or something of the same caliber of violence and manliness to go with a quaint French Beer. Neither answered their phones. I walk by the duty office, both are there, I ask what’s up, they say that they are going to Dave’s party, I tell them to give me a call when they are thinking of going cause I might be up for that.
Up to my room, Jeremy, Josh, and Danielle were here. We shoot the breeze; everyone asks how my day was. There are good-natured jibes about the new blog that we started. Danielle is reading the introductory post and laughs are had. People were in a good mood. Jeremy asks what I am going tonight, perplexed the standard reply comes out, staying in, might pop in a movie (sorry Jeremy … you really aren’t the right … candidate … for dirty word scrabble, just strip-scatergories). Josh and Danielle ask what I am up to, they say that they might head out for a one-and-done drink, Stone Rose, Mandarin Oriental bar, something fancy just to have a drink. They leave around 10:00 looking sharp as they always do. Jeremy says that he is going to hang out with Nell, and Nell and I are still talking online at this point. Nell simply types BRB and leaves. At that point as well, Alyssa, Courtney, Battags, Tara, and Gen all put up away messages within 30 seconds of each other. Actual thought-process … dammit no one to play dirty word scrabble. What it should have been: weird everyone left within 2 minutes of each other.
The one person that I haven’t heard from in awhile (read: 2 or 3 minutes) checks in, he calls me and asks what I am up to tonight. The real dilemma is now upon me: do I feign plans? Do I tell him that I am going to Dave’s party in the village? Do I not answer the phone? Fuck, I answered. Conversation as follows:
“K.Dog (not really, if he called me that I would shit on his pillow) what are you up to tonight?”
“Nothing much, might head down to the village later for Dave Graver’s birthday.”
“You doing anything right now?”
“Nope. Just decompressing from the week.”
“You want to run out and grab a beer?” … Weird, Evan doesn’t drink beer….
“Perhaps, where were you thinking of going?”
“New bar around 50th street, I found it online/”
“Hmm, I dunno man, I had a rough week, I was thinking about going to Dave’s party and then making it an early night.” Two truths, I did have a rough week, and was thinking about Dave’s party.
“Well let’s go grab a drink before you head down to the village, you can catch the C at 50th street, first round is on me.”
“Alright, let me get some clothes on” I wasn’t really naked, I was wearing sweatpants though, and knowing Evan he does not go into bars where sweatpants are permitted attire.
“Ok, I will start walking down now be there in 15.”
I get dressed he calls in 15. Goddammit he is wearing his boat-captain's outfit. I mean seriously who gets to wear jeans, boat shoes, a pink lacoste polo over a white longsleeved shirt, and then on top of that you have a blue blazer with gold buttons, what the fuck kind of bar is this and what did I get roped into. My sister calls and I am on the phone we are talking about her first professional dance concert that she got to do with Omaha Modern Dance Company, I am so proud of her. She has to run grab some dinner with her roommate, so I let her go.
Evan and I make small talk on the way down to the bar; it was an interesting day at the UN. The Zimbabwe people are pissed about the 60 minutes piece and are making crazy demands. I half=heartedly laugh, “crazy Zimbabwe ambassadors and their crazy ideas….”
We get to 50th street and there is the bar, excuse me, lounge. There are ridiculous candles on the little tables. Fuck, I can’t believe I got roped into a romantic man-date.
And the awkwardness begins. Alyssa, Battags, Courtney, Gen, Danielle, Josh, and Jeremy at the bar. Doing a shot. What are they doing here? Why are they doing a shot? And why didn’t they tell me they were going out. Jeremy, “surprise dude!” me, “umm, what the fuck is going on.” Josh, the good boy, takes me aside, “Dude I am so sorry. Evan thought it would be cool to throw you a surprise party, to cheer you up. Personally I think it is a pretty douchebaggy thing to do, I wanted to tell you, there was no way that I was going to get you out of the place.” (Actually he said somethign that was much funnier, I just can't remember for the life of me.) Me, “umm, what the fuck?” Why did I need a surprise party, and why were the people that I hang out with all the time that can stand Evan there, where is everyone else? Jeremy, “there were like 140 people on the evite list” 140 and 9 show up, Jesus Christ! It takes about a 5-minute awkward pause for it to settle in, fuck, well, as long as I am here might as well have a drink. Jameson on the rocks, Josh orders a martini, we go sit in a booth in the back. Yes I had to buy my own fucking drink, Evan lied to get me to come out, and at least it wasn’t pancakes…
We are sitting in a booth in the back of the bar, people are not sure what to do, about half the people order a drink, the other half kind of stare at the first half that ordered. Courtney looks uncomfortable for whatever reason. Josh tries to console more; Danielle looks utterly complexed at what is going on. Tara sits down and the worst music of all time comes on. It is like they realized that there is a black person in the bar, and black music collection number 9 comes on in a tinny speaker above the booth. At least the Jameson tastes good. 2 of Evan’s friends come, a girl and her fiancé. Again, kind of weird, I am still perplexed at how I ended up in this position, I am never letting my guard down again.
Tara is not drinking because she is going to go see Sean tonight, we start into a light hearted conversation about that, Danielle regales us with the story of how Josh almost screwed up their relationship on their first date. I am laughing now. Izzie and Matt show up, thinking that it was my birthday. I explain no, her jaw drops and she asks, “Why would someone do that?” I have no reply. She explains that last year she tried to throw a birthday party, and no one came, it was going to be at Korova Milk bar, a sweet place in the East village that is Clockwork Orange décor. Good portions of the invitees are under 21 so we couldn’t get in, plus people can be pussies when a party requires that they get on the subway. I reassured her that I would throw her a real party this year and that it would be awesome. I promised that it would be in a dive bar, that wouldn’t card so the babies could come hang out, it is about the people not the place. After all tonight I was schooled in how to not throw a party I have learned what I need to know I guess… But I digress.
I have to buy Tara a drink, she doesn’t know what to do, I decide to see how good the bar tender is so I ask for a whiskey sour, but if it was possible to not use sour mix. He looks confused. I say fill a glass with whiskey, squeeze half a lemon, one packet of sugar, soda on top, and a cherry. He knew what I was talking about, it was bar-code, and you only make a real drink if you know that the person drinking it would appreciate it. I tasted it, it was a pretty fucking good whiskey sour, I went back and retipped him giving him an extra two bucks on top of the two I had already given. She thanks me for the drink, and asks “how the fuck are we going to get out of here?” I check my phone. 11:10, 7 missed calls, 5 from Danny, and 2 from Mike, 4 voicemails. Jesus, they knew, I check the voicemails. “Kevin, it’s Danny, call me.” “Kevin, it’s Danny we are about to leave in 10 minutes, call me.” “Kevin, Maggie just called they are about 30 minutes away from the bar, still at the concert, Mike and I are going to head call me.” “Kevin, I am so sorry, I knew, and I couldn’t tell you.” Fuckin A man, Fuckin a….
Well the general sentiment at this point is that people are ready to head down for Dave’s party. Josh and Danielle were going to head back to the apartment, everyone else but Evan was going to head to the W. Village. Walking along 50th street, Courtney has a hunger for McD’s I want pizza, we should be able to find both when we get down there. We do, we decide on Wendy’s and my passion for square jr. bacon cheeseburgers is rekindled. Dave’s party was great, Danny and Mike were there, I have to recount, and at this point I realize that I have experienced the most awkward moment in my life. I tell the story again, people apologize, letting me know that they tried to warn Evan off, that I would not like it. They were right, it wasn’t that it was a surprise party, I like surprise parties, but I like them for there being a reason. Surprise parties for their own sake are fucking stupid. Maggie also knew, she said that anyone who loved and really cared for you was here and tried to talk Evan out of it. I knew she was right; I almost started crying there.
It is also at this point where I realize just what had happened. Evan is always asking me to introduce me to my friends, especially those of the fairer sex. It creeps me out, to tell you the truth, to those friends that I have I am most sincerely sorry, believe me, if you never reply to an evite I have heard that they will stop coming eventually. I am so sorry. He used my email list and my friends on FaceBook to throw a party for me, but it was really all about getting people for him. And that’s fucked up. That is not normal behavior, which is not a healthy friendship. People describe his feelings as a “man-crush” I don’t think there could be a better word. Not that I am super hot shit, but I do have a pretty sweet life, people like and respect me, I worry that Evan is going to take me into a dark alley, club me, and then assume my identity. If you ever see me and shout, “What’s up Special K?” and all I give you is a quizzical response in return, call the police, have them search the alleys.
The awkwardness continues; people have been asking me about my birthday party, how it was. There is the occasional, “I thought your birthday was in December.” Yes it is, and when there is a real party thrown consider yourself forewarned. Evan will not be organizing; he will be lucky if he is invited. It will be awesome, and you all had better show up because good times will be had. I can’t even tell the story anymore, it is too much, too surreal. I have my friends tell it because it is funnier. I usually chime in with, “He didn’t even buy me a drink.” That is my one line, because it is true, and it pretty much sums up the kind of guy that he is. Promises a drink doesn’t deliver, promises pancakes, you get dim candles and one on one truth or dare. It’s a bait and switch, I was duped, I fucked up, and at least Danielle was there to tell me that Josh bit her lip the first time that they kissed. He will never live that down.
posted by Godot at 10:58 AM
0 comments
